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Saturday, January 16, 2021

GROWTH is . . .

. . . when you can say: I'm not like them & that's ok. 

. . . when you can acknowledge that you fffd up in the past & still believe that you are more than your last mistake.

. . . when you can set aside time in your day to reconnect, to honor your spirit, your worth, and just breathe.

. . . when you can look at an enemy's name, mourn the past & have no lingering thoughts. You breathe again.

. . . when you can legit catch yourself when the 'old you' begins to service.

. . . when you can see the good in everyone, even when they don't see it in you.

. . . when you can begin receiving the good, the paise & know that you ARE valuable.

. . . when you have nothing to prove, but you continue learning & continue supporting.

. . . when you can decide who you WANT to support, not who you think you should.

. . . when being an outsider is your strength because you have created your own lane.

. . . when you are now more aware of what being alone is for and why it has been so important to your journey.

. . . when the person you are the most connected with comes back! - They see you and they hear you now - after any BS you've been through together.

. . . when you choose to not be linked to a certain individual, just because everyone else is.

. . . when you've reached the "age of no return" and have finally decided that your emotions are valid and your choices are your own. FUCK the ones who never gave you a chance, gave you the time, nor wanted to engage in adult conversation.

. . . when (if you're like me), you understand that Family isn't always your blood. You can create your own family >>> FRIENDS. (& the fewer the better lol)

. . . when you finally receive a role that you are confident that you can take on and you are doing a great job at it.

. . . when you can have a role that gives you much access, but you're choosing to not be shady and merely do your job. 

. . . when those you look up to, trust YOU. 

. . . when you can say what you mean, mean what you say and honor your word. 

. . . when NO amount of hate, dislike, or "she's so negative" can keep you from being an artist and sharing your ART

. . . when you can say to yourself, there's nothing more I can do with that person or relationship, it is what it is. 

. . . when you can say: I know I did nothing wrong. I will no longer blame myself. (for that particular situation)

. . . when you can continuously and apologetically take accountability. 

--------------

GROWTH is a process. Growth will continue to be a process. And I myself, I'm not completely healed yet, but I'm working on it - I am allowing for growth to happen. 

Pops of the past may come up, but I'm trying to stay present and find forgiveness for myself. <<< this is GROWTH. 


~ deeply out ❤


photo credit: The Female Lead











Wednesday, December 23, 2020

A NEW YEAR?!?! is upon us...




We’re always faced with the toughest challenges once we begin to make changes & a new year is upon us...

It’s like I need to hibernate and stay within my meditative practice all day every damn day, in order to create a bubble around myself or a force field, so that nothing has the chance to affect my mental space or emotional state. 

Because DAMN! 

I put out info re: a D • TOX experience, but tbh I need to make it at least the whole entire month of December so that my protective armor has been formed and all the SHIT that has been affecting me the whole damn year can melt off...like the sun melts off the winter in spring. 

I have turned into an icy bitch! Not cold to the touch or cold in my demeanor, but it’s cold outside and it’s like when the winter hits...October on...shit hits the MF fence! It’s like life is in a complete retrograde and maybe it is and I just don’t know...

Friendships be falling apart, peeps be acting up, peeps be shady, peeps be crazy, I be crazy, peeps be...WTF! Jobs be scarce or gigs coming to an end...& I’m like really? Not in less than a week into the new year. Smh 

So what does this all mean? Layers are coming off...the peeps you don’t need, the jobs you don’t need, you don't need the non-existent gigs that make you recalibrate your life choices, you legit start hiding from the world, you drink more...wine, maybe a lil whiskey or brandy more. You just start doing some off the cuff shit and you’re like...was that me???

Oh and self-reflection is a bitch! You get all in your head and start feeling like shit. Did you shower today? Nope. Did you eat today? Nope. Did even open your blinds yet. Nope. Are you still under the covers? Yes. Here’s the kicker... Are you decompressing from your last disagreement, so you don’t do more damage? 

Well...

Back to the ‘icy bitch.’ Icy I am not. Can I be a BITCH? Yes. But! I’m working on it and just because the universe knows that I’m working on it...I get tested 2day! Did I pass the test? No I did not. 

What’s this blog entry really about???

Layers come off and shit hits the fan before the new year, so we gotta get ready earlier. We gotta figure out what our protective armor is gonna be and last question...how do you stay sane, without paying for therapy. 

Me? 

I meditate.

I write. 

I might even reflect...once the ice has melted. 


~ deeply out ❤

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

SHIT! my heart is hurt

 some

some make you feel like you're the worst person in the world for the mistakes you made in the past

some

some make you . . . no one makes you right?

I'm not allowed to say that right?

make me

no one can make you do and feel anything

ok

the catalyst to my current feelings

the feelings I've had all night since I read his message

some people

some people act like you're the only one

the only one in this . . . used to be friendship

we used to be . . .

friends

some 

some people make you feel 

like I said before

I say that cause I can

some people make you

ok, cause you to . . . 

that may be better

cause you to feel . . . like shit!

I'm not shit, but I feel like shit!

some people

some people don't forgive

some people forget

I don't forget . . . 

friendship

I remember friendship

what do you remember in your last . . . idk, encounter with someone that caused you to feel . . .

like shit!

some people smh

some people make me write, cause me to write

some people, meaning 1

1 in particular in this entry

but there's been many 1's that 

make/caused me to feel like shit!

I'm not shit!

I've done shitty things . . . at times

but, I'm NOT shit!

He didn't need to capitalize for emphasis

that last message got me

caught me by the throat

I suffocated for a moment . . . 

on the ???

bus, then train

staring off in space

did that just happen?

did I

reach out

AGAIN

I did

but NEVER again

the word never was capitalized twice in this message to me

I lost my breath for a moment

some people, meaning 1 

I don't understand

am I thee only one

who understands that

I'm not shit!

I feel like shit! though

tried and it didn't/never worked

what?

reconciliation.

It barely exists for me

I feel like shit!

do you feel like ?

you don't understand . . . 

shit!, some people, make, cause, message, NEVER again . . . 

SHIT!


~ deeply out ❤